A Silent Knife
by waywardflame
Summary: MS Sango wakes one night to find Miroku cutting himself. She discovers Miroku's act and finds the scared and lonely person he truly is. Sango then decides she will help Miroku no matter what the cost to her heart and soul.
1. Shadows

Authors note: Cutting is a serious issue; it is a sign of depression and depression is mental illness.  If you know someone who is cutting themselves tell someone you trust right away.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of it Characters.  All are property of their respective owners

A Silent Knife

Miroku, Inuyasha, Sango, Kagome and Shippo trudged through a dense forest on a small dusty trail.  They had killed a youkai that had been terrorizing a small village but unfortunately it had not had a Shikon shard. So they continued on their journey; it had been midday when they had started walking but now it was night.  The stars were sparkling beautifully overhead and the moon was nearly full; enough to make it quite easy to see.  But there was still darkness.  Darkness is inescapable, no matter how bright the stars were. Miroku ran his fingers slowly across his right arm.  There was a great weight in his stomach.  It was the horrible feeling of loneliness and sorrow that held onto him and would not let go.  All the doubt over the Kazaana and all the sorrow from the so many deaths in his life were the main causes.  He carried it with him everywhere he went.  It was perfectly hidden; no one would ever be able to guess the pain he carried within his heart.  It was hidden from every one but himself.  He was like a small child keeping a secret pet.  A pet that was cruel and dangerous.  

        He could bear the pain.  He had too or it would consume him completely.  It was always chasing after him.  The pain was like his shadow; a thing that no matter how hard he tried to rid himself of it or how far he ran it was always behind him. But unlike his shadow he had no release when the sun was high.  He had no safe haven to escape to from it.  But he had away of lessening the pain.  

        His friends didn't know.  They couldn't ever know.  If they knew of such weakness they would reject him.  They would be disgusted by his weakness.  They would leave him behind and all alone; ashamed they ever met him.  But even more he could never let them see what he did to relieve that pain.  If they knew that they would not be disgusted; they would be _revolted_.  What he did was sick and wrong.  It screamed mental illness.  That was his utmost secret.

        Sango looked back behind her at Miroku.  The monk hadn't said anything since they had started making their way through the forest.  It was unlike him to be quiet; he was usually always making a joke or sharing some bit of knowledge that he had.  But tonight he walked along staring at the ground with tired eyes.  He was pale and moved sluggishly.  She wondered if he was ill.  Against her will worry swept through Sango.  When ever Miroku was hurt she always worried about him, and frankly it bugged her.  She wished she wouldn't worry about him; it simply got in her way.  But she did and she couldn't help it.  She cared for him like a mother, but sometimes she wished their relationship could be something more. It was painful; she cared for him but he did not care back.  She wished that he wasn't the one she cared for, but he was and she couldn't change it.  Allowing the worry to take control she stopped and waited until he was level with her.

        "You do not look good, are you well?" She asked him.  

        He turned his stare from the ground to her.  "Yes, just tired.  No need to worry about me, I am always alright." Fear swept through Miroku as Sango surveyed him.  Had he really been acting that different?  Could she tell something was wrong?  He wished with every fiber of his being that she would believe him and leave him alone.

        Sango did not believe that he was alright.  She had decided that he was not ill, but he was most defiantly exhausted.  She nodded at him and he looked relived.  She then quickly walked down the path until she was walking side by side with Kagome. 

        "It's getting late can we set up camp for the night?"

        Kagome checked her watch and nodded. "Yeah, it's pretty late.  Inuyasha will probably allow us to stop." She walked to Inuyasha and asked him.  To her surprise he agreed with her quite quickly.  At least it was quick compared to usual.  Kagome then went through the nightly routine of making a fire and boiling a pot of water so she could make everyone ramen.  She hadn't had to eat a ramen cup in awhile since Miroku had been able to snag all those inns but tonight they had to camp.  After the ramen was done she handed out a bowl of it to everyone. "Here" she said offering it to Sango.

        "Oh, thanks." Sango smiled as she took the bowl.  The hot soup felt good in her stomach, even though it wasn't as fancy as what they got when they stayed in an inn.  She looked up from her ramen just in time to see Kagome give Miroku a bowl of ramen.  He was leaning against a tree and staring at the ground.  Kagome came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder holding out the bowl.  He looked up, took the bowl and smiled at her.  Jealousy coursed through Sango like poison.  Why couldn't she be the one Miroku was smiling at?  It was her who always looked after him when he was hurt or sick, not Kagome!  It wasn't fair!  

        No, she shook her head.  It wasn't Kagome's fault.  Miroku had the right to smile at who ever he wanted; Even if it wasn't her.  All she wanted was for Miroku to take notice of her feelings. She finished her ramen and set the bowl on the ground.  As she had been eating her own exhaustion had crept over her and taken hold.  She lay down on the ground and closed her eyes.  Tomorrow was always another day to try.

*~*~*~*

        Miroku checked carefully around the camp, making sure no on else was awake.  No one was; it was as silent as the graves.  Slowly he reached into his robes and pulled out a small knife.  The blade was only 2 inches long but it was sharp.  Red stains covered it; reminders of the last time he's used it. That's was how it used, the cuts were never too deep enough to kill, but deep enough to feel the pain.  Hurting his physical being seemed to soothe the hurt he felt deep in side himself.

        He pulled up the sleeve of his robe on his right arm and held it out.  He held the knife over the center of his for arm for awhile before pressing it down into his flesh.  The knife bit into his skin causing blood to run to the surface.  He dragged the knife across his arm until he had a horizontal cut across his forearm.  Miroku watched in satisfaction as blood oozed out of the cut and ran down his arm.  I was ironic.  The sight of anyone's blood but his own made him sick to his stomach.  There were so many painful memories involving other people's blood, yet he got satisfaction out of seeing his own. His friends didn't know of course, but then again what did they really know about him anyway?

        Sango woke suddenly.  She wasn't sure what had caused her sudden return to the real world.  She slowly raised her head to look around and her eyes fell on a horrible sight.  Miroku had a knife in his hand with blood running down his other arm.  Horror filled Sango's body and soul.  Miroku was hurting himself!  "What are you doing?!" She cried.  She half-crawled, half-ran over to where Miroku was sitting and grabbed the hand holding the knife and pulled it away from his other arm.  "What in the seven hells do you think you're doing?!"

        He looked up at her; eyes filled with horror.  "N-nothing." He attempted to crawl away from her but in his moment of mental weakness she could easily over power him.

        "This is not 'nothing'!" She hissed at him, her voice shook with anger and fear.  Anger at herself for allowing Miroku to do this, anger at Miroku for doing it and fear of the fact that he was cutting himself.  She wrenched the knife from his hand and threw it some five feet away.  

        "It was a mistake!  The knife slipped!" He stuttered.  Tears began to come to his eyes.  This wasn't supposed to happen!  No one was supposed to know!

        "That was not an accident!  You cut yourself!" She whispered and yelled at the same time.

        "Please don't tell anyone!" Miroku begged; tears now running down his face.  "No can know!  I'll be left alone!"  He clasped the hand that held onto his left.  "Please don't tell."

        Sango stared at him.  He was finally reaching out to her.  Asking her something with all his heart.  But should she really keep something like this a secret?  She looked into his face and saw the pleading and fear in his eyes.  She could not refuse him.  She put her hand over his.

        "I won't tell anyone, I promise.  I'm going to help you, Miroku."

That's all for chapter one!  Please, please, please review!!


	2. Reaching Out

Authors note: Cutting is a serious issue; it is a sign of depression and depression is mental illness.  If you know someone who is cutting themselves tell someone you trust right away.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of it Characters.  All are property of their respective owners

A Silent Knife

_Chapter Two_

Reaching Out

        Sunlight was flooding the clearing were the Inuyasha gang slept.  It was morning and all the birds were out and twittering loudly; making it quite hard to get much more sleep.  Miroku slowly opened his eyes.  Ow; his head was pounding painfully over his right eye.  He felt slightly nauseous and lightheaded too.  Why did he feel like this again?  Oh yes last night.  Sango found him out.  He sat up and reached up to rub his eyes free of sleep and noticed that there were tear stains on his face.  He had cried him self to sleep last night.  He quickly licked his thumb and scrubbed furiously at the tear stains; he had to get rid of them before anyone noticed.

        "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  Inuyasha yelled at the birds; throwing a rock at the tree they were nesting in.  The birds scattered; taking off into the pale blue morning sky.

        "Inuyasha!  That was cruel!"  Kagome reprimanded.  "The birds didn't deserve that."

        "Yeah, Inuyasha that was mean!"  Shippou agreed with Kagome; as always.

        "They were pissing me off!  And what's it to you anyway?!"

        "What's it to me?!" She asked; now also yelling.  "You treat me as though I am being annoying!

        "You ARE annoying, wench!"

        "Wench?!  You'd better learn some respect if you want me to stay here and help you find the Shikon shards!  You jerk, SIT!" With that word Inuyasha got a fine taste of the dirt in that area.  This was the usual start of every morning.  Everything seemed to be normal.  Miroku surveyed the pair; they didn't seem to be acting or pretending to be normal.  Did they know?  Had Sango told them?  He needed to find her.

        "Houshi-Sama?" Came Sango's voice quietly from behind him; speak of the devil.  "Are you well?"  That was a foolish question Miroku thought.  Of course he wasn't well.     

        "Did you-" Miroku sat rigidly, not facing her.  He determinedly kept his attention on the ground; not looking at her.  "-tell anyone?"  He could feel her staring at his back.  He would have liked to hope that she hadn't told anyone, but he had learned that life was less painful when you expected the worse.  

        "I didn't tell anyone, I promised you I wouldn't.  Do you trust me that little?"  Sango asked, sounding a little hurt.

        Miroku stood up and brushed the dirt off his robes.  He still refused to look at her.  "There are very few people in this world I trust.  Do not take it personally."  He inhaled and conjured up all the happiness in himself (which wasn't much) and put on a smile.  No one would ever know…  "Ah, Kagome-Sama!  You are looking gorgeous this morning!"

       Kagome blushed; even though she knew he wasn't sincere.  "Ah stop it Miroku-Sama, you're embarrassing me!"

        "But its true!"

        Inuyasha growled and interjected.  "Okay that's enough Bouzo!"

        "Ah, yes I remember!  You are the only one allowed to compliment her!  I suppose that's how couples are."

        "IF you ever say that again I'll kill you!"  Inuyasha attempted to threaten but he was blushing and his voice shook a bit.  Although this would have scared any normal person, the people who knew Inuyasha that he was bluffing.  They knew he was bluffing even if he wasn't nervous.

        Kagome put an end to the banter. "Calm down Inuyasha.  Besides we need to start moving.  I think I feel the presence of a shard over in the east.  We should try and get it before a demon does." 

        Inuyasha inhaled through his teeth, making a hissing noise.  He was trying to keep his hot anger caused by his embarrassment under control.  He exhaled, the shard was more important than any stab Miroku could make at him.  "Yes, let's just move out."  He turned and headed off towards the east where the shard supposedly was.  Everyone else followed.

        Miroku smiled to his self.  His plan had worked he knew that making fun of Inuyasha would cause him to want to leave.  He himself didn't want to stay here to long.  He would like to find the shard as well, but not for himself of course.  He had long since given up hope of saving himself, there was no point.  His father and grandfather had been better than him in every aspect.  They had been better monks, better fighters, better at using talismans and over spells and simply overall better people.  If they couldn't do it how could he?

        He had stopped collecting the jewels for himself, but he had then decided maybe he could help others by collecting the shards.  If he collected shards that kept them out of the clutches of demons and that protected villages from being destroyed.  Then he had met Inuyasha and Kagome and decided to help their cause.  It felt right to be helping Inuyasha seek revenge on Naraku.  Sometimes he was so absorbed in helping them he could almost forget the past; almost but not quite. 

        His foot hit something on the ground and sent it skidding a few feet in front of him.  His knife.  He picked it up and set it back inside his robe.  He couldn't believe he had forgotten it.  It was good he had found it; he could not live with out it.

        Sango watched him with her pity clear on her face.

*~*~*~*

        Half the day went by without any excitement.  Then again for the group excitement was hard to come by nowadays.  Fighting demons was so overdone that it was same old thing every time.  Fighting a powerful demon with a shard on the other hand was not exciting but was instead grueling.  Then out of the plain old day came something interesting.  

        In one part of the forest all the trees had been destroyed.  They were all bent over and huge chunks had been torn out of them.  Other trees had been completely ripped up and were lying across the ground like graves for the former natural wonders they once were.  There were also huge gauges in the ground.  And all through out the horrid place there was blood splatters.

        "A demon was here." Kagome stated her voice shaking a bit.

        "Do you think its still around?" Shippou gulped.

        Sango put her hand on the Hiraikotsu; prepared to use it if needed.  "Probably is considering the luck we have concerning demons."

        "No its not here…" Inuyasha growled.  "It's probably out to feed…!  I smell blood!"  Inuyasha took off towards the smell as fast as he could.  _Please let no one be hurt! _ He thought.  _Let us catch it before it kills!_   The scent was getting more powerful.  He heard his friends telling him to slow down, but he couldn't.  If he could make it there in time…  The smell began to become over powering; he resisted the urge to gag.  He could see the end of the forest ahead the source of the blood.  He broke through the forest and slid to a stop.  He heard the harsh breathing and foot steps of his friends behind him stop and knew they were seeing the same sight.

        They were standing outside a fenced in pasture of a village.  The grass was lush and green; perfect for livestock.  Except…  Hundreds of corpses of slaughtered sheep and cows littered the field.  There entrails were strewn about; coming from horrid rips in their stomachs.  Their blood stained the earth like paint on a painting of death.  The animal's eyes were bulging out of their sockets in fear as if they too were witnessing the ghastly scene.  The smell of blood filled the air and seemed to replace it, making it feel as though you were breathing blood.  

        The villagers were standing around the fence staring unbelieving at the slaughter before them.  Some just stared blankly at the scene; unable to look away.  Others were crying softly.  Children were hiding their faces in their parent's clothes, trying to get the image out of their minds.

       Miroku struggled to keep himself breathing.  Horrible nausea came upon him.  Blood, so much blood…death…killing…despair.  Mother…  It was too much like before.  To much like before!  He had to get away!  He had to cut; he had to easethe pain.  It was the only way, the…only…way…  

        "You!"  A cry broke through the air.  An old man was standing before them, pointing at them.  His face was wet with tears and he was shaking.  He was clinging to the sickle in his hands like his life depended on it.  His wife (Or whom they assumed to be his wife) was standing behind him with her hands over her mouth looking terrified.  "You did this!"

        "No! We didn't!"  Kagome cried.

        "Why should I believe you?!"  You witch with your odd clothes and demon companions!  You have damned this village to hell!  We have nothing to eat!  We all shall starve!  Now you have returned just to marvel at the destruction you have caused!  You evil witch!

        Kagome looked ready to cry and Inuyasha took a step towards the old man.  "Listen here you old coot-"  _Wham_.  The sickle went flying past Inuyasha's cheek and stuck in a tree behind him.  It been so close to him it had cut off a few of his silver hairs.  

        "Don't speak to me you vile demon!  Leave this village and burn in the pits of hell!  Murderers, murderers, murderers!"  The old man raved.  His wife laid a hand on his shoulder.

        "Come dear, don't provoke them.  What if they start attacking people?" 

         "I don't care," The old man snarled; jerking away from her.  "We are already dead.  They have killed us."  And he broke down sobbing.

        "Let's leave," Sango whispered.  The others nodded and slowly turned around.  They walked slowly away from the village.  No one spoke at all.  No one could remove the image of the old man screaming at them out of their heads.  They came to a clearing and everyone sat down.  All of them were too absorbed in their own thoughts to speak with each other.  Everyone was so confused and weary after that unnerving encounter. 

        Miroku grit his teeth.  He could feel bile rising up in his throat as the nausea overwhelmed him.  He clapped a hand over his mouth and staggered to his feet.  He rushed pass his friends over to were the forest was deeper; he doubted they even noticed.  He stumbled into the woods; dropped to his knees and vomited.  He retched until he was dry-heaving and tears were running down his face from gagging.  He hated blood so much…  He was suddenly aware of a hand rubbing his back in smooth calming circles.  He looked back and saw Sango.  

        "Are you okay?" She asked him softly.  He nodded weakly.   He remembered back to last night; the words she had spoken to him.

        Last night…when you said you would help me…did you mean it?" He asked her.  He stared at the ground still on his hands and knees.  

        Sango's eyes widened at the question, but then she smiled weakly.  "Yes, of course I meant it."

        "I…" He didn't want to cut himself; he knew it was sick and wrong. But there was no other way to ease the pain, wasn't it?  "I want…you…t-to…help m-me."

        Sango took his hand and held it; he looked up at her.  "I will."

That's all for chapter two!  

I want to thank everyone for reviewing!  You guys are awesome!

Review so I know that people are interested in this story and like it.  So please, please, please review!!


	3. Deeper and Darker

Authors note: Cutting is a serious issue; it is a sign of depression and depression is mental illness.  If you know someone who is cutting themselves tell someone you trust right away.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of it Characters.  All are property of their respective owners

A Silent Knife

_Chapter Three_

Deeper and Darker

        They were making their way through the ever vast woods of the Sengoku Jidai.  The group had an order in which they traveled.  It was always Inuyasha leading the way followed closely by Kagome and Shippou, then Sango and finally himself, Miroku.  It was as though there were so many things in the Sengoku Jidai they couldn't control; that every decided walking would be something they could control.

        _Its dark out,_ Miroku thought.  _Darker than usual._  Although it was midday the sky was horribly overcast.  Not a single direct ray of sunshine made it through.  It was very ironic.  Everyone still had yesterday's events fresh in their minds.  All of them felt dark and gloomy on the inside.  It was as though the sky was reflecting their feelings.

        But Miroku wasn't feeling so horrible.  In fact he almost felt happy.  Sango wanted to help him; Sango cared about him.  No one except for perhaps his mother had ever wanted to help him with any of his problems.  He had always had to rely only on himself.  But now he maybe since he had Sango with him he could finally stop cutting.  IF he couldn't stop cutting for himself maybe, he could stop it for Sango.

        "Stop dragging your feet, Houshi!"  Inuyasha's voice snapped at him from behind.  Miroku turned around in shock.  Inuyasha had just been in front of him!  How did he get back here?

        "I-Inuyasha?" Miroku sputtered still in a state of surprise.  "What?"

        Inuyasha rolled his eyes at him.  "I saw you back there all in lost in your thoughts and shit.  A youkai could have easily come and picked you off and we never would have noticed.  And then you'd be dead and we'd be wondering were the hell you were!" 

        Miroku stumbled as Inuyasha shoved him closer to the rest of the group.  "Your concern is appreciated I guess."   Inuyasha snorted and using his youkai abilities leapt back to the front of the line.  Miroku smiled to himself.  Even Inuyasha cared about him even though he didn't show it.  He was so lucky.  He had so many great friends even though he didn't deserve them.  _Life is odd that way_ Miroku thought.

        "Houshi-Sama," a soft voice called.  He looked up and saw Sango looking back at him.  "Come up and walk with me."

        Miroku blinked.  This was new; Sango never wanted to walk with him before.  Why all of a sudden?  He sped up to walk side by side with her.  "Yes Sango?"

        "Do you really want my help?  About breaking your…habit"

        Miroku blanched.  That hadn't been what he had been expecting her to ask.  But he should have known that it would come up sooner or later.  But all the same it was a bit of an unfair question in his opinion.  After all, why would he lie to her?  "O-of  c-course I d-do."  She stumbled over his words still a little surprised at the question.

         She stared at him for awhile.  It was as though she was trying to scare him to make sure he was telling the truth.  Just as soon as Miroku was starting to feel uncomfortable, she nodded.  "All right then, but can I see something?"

        "What?"

        "Your arm." 

        Miroku was tempted to say no.  He _wanted_ to say no.  But he knew deep inside that if he wanted to stop cutting he would have to let her see.  He would have to take off the mask and let her see the real him.  So instead he replied.  "Okay."  He reached over and pulled up the sleeve on his left arm.  He saw Sango's eyes widen.  Her eyes traveled over the mass of cuts and scars on his arm; the disgust showing on her face.  Miroku was beginning to really regret showing her at all.  He knew she would find him disgusting.  He had been so stupid.

        Then he felt something.  Sango was slowly running her fingers across his arm.  Not in a sexual way, but a gentle motherly way.  Miroku sighed he almost felt as though his scars could heal just by Sango's simple touch.  To Miroku it seemed as though the two of them were frozen in time.  Nothing else mattered at that moment.  Not Kohaku, not the Kazaana, not Naraku, not anything. 

        At the moment he saw something in Sango.  Not the powerful Taijiya he usually saw, but a different Sango.  A Sango that was feminine and delicate.  He saw a woman who could nurture and understand.  It was then Miroku found Sango to be the most beautiful thing in the world.  It was at that moment that Miroku found the reason why he loved Sango.

        "Oi, you two!  Move it!"  Inuyasha's voice broke through the air.  Miroku and Sango jumped and quickly broke apart.  Sango hastily removed her hand from Miroku's arm.

_        Thanks a lot Inuyasha,_ Miroku thought.  He was feeling now slightly bitter towards the half-youkai for coming between him and Sango.  But truthfully he couldn't penalize Inuyasha because he had come between him and Kagome countless times.  What went around came around he supposed.

       Then Miroku realized something, the area they were walking through looked familiar.  Had they been walking in circles?  No, that didn't seem to be right.  Inuyasha had led them many times before and never had led them in circles.  It had to be something else. Suddenly it dawned on him. This was, Miroku remembered with a jolt, the same place they had been walking the other day just before…everything happened. 

        "No."  Miroku let the word escape his lips.  He would not go back there.  He would not see the blood again.  He would not look at the villager's sobbing faces again.  _Please Inuyasha,_ he thought as though his prayers could reach the half-youkai.  _Please, don't take us back there, to that place._

Then as they were walking, Sango made and abrupt turn away from the direction they had been walking in.  Miroku blinked in surprise and looked up over her shoulder.  It hadn't just been her turning; Inuyasha was leading them away from the village!  Miroku made a mental note to get a nice hotel for Inuyasha in the next village.  He knew he should have had more faith in him.

        The path was widening and so Miroku moved up to walk beside Inuyasha.  Sango followed and walked beside Kagome.  They hadn't walked liket his for awhile and it was a nice change to have to hear everyone's voices coming from afar.

        "I think that there is another village up ahead.  We can stock up on supplies and get something to eat."  Kagome spoke up.

        Miroku smirked.  "And if you get tired Kagome-Sama I can always get us a nice hotel."

        "Watch your self, Houshi," Inuyasha growled.  Miroku grinned.  One of the few things he got pleasure out of was watching his friend's reactions to himself. 

        "Can we get some goodies too, Kagome?" Shippou piped up.

        "Of course!"

        So they walked along; laughing and joking.  This was relaxing and enjoyable.  It was something that they barely had time to do; just to sit and talk.  The sun was slowly coming out from behind the clouds; lighting up the dark day.  The forest soon faded into fields filled with cattle, rice and other things.  Then wooden shapes appeared in view.  "It must be the village." Kagome said happily.  "Oh I can't wait to be able to take a nice bath!"

        They walked up to the entrance of the village; nothing could have prepared them for what they were about to witness.  It was a mass slaughter.  Not a single person alive.  The lovers were still embracing each other and the mothers were still clutching their children trying to protect them.  Men, women and even children all dead in the streets, the killer had shown no mercy.  There were massive holes in their backs where their hearts had been ripped out; just like the livestock at the previous village.  But most horrid of all was at the top of a pile of bodies; it was the corpse of a baby impaled upon a stick.

        Miroku dropped to his knees and vomited.  He had seen massacres before, but not like this, never like this.  It was too much.  The killings yesterday and then again today; it was simply too much.

        "Who did this?" Kagome breathed.

        "A youkai no doubt." Inuyasha said in a breathless voice.

        "Why, Inuyasha, why?" Shippou sniffled.

        "I don't know." Was all he could say.

        "Don't you see?" Miroku hissed at them; they were such fools.  Couldn't they see it?  "This is the same as yesterday!  This was done by the youkai!  If we had gone after it this wouldn't have happened!"

        "No, that-that's not true; it can't be true." Inuyasha mumbled.

        "It is," Sango said sadly.  "It is the same.  We didn't kill it so it-it killed more."

        Inuyasha swallowed.  "That still doesn't make it our fault.  But let's…ah…kill it now."

        "No!" Miroku cried.  "I just can't do it right now, Inuyasha!  I just can't…" He wanted to cut; he had to make himself hurt to ease the pain.

        "Fine, you stay here and Kagome and I will get it."

        "No, Inuyasha," Kagome said softly.  "I can't do it either.  Please let's just get out of here."

        Kagome turned and began to run; Inuyasha followed her.  Sango grabbed Miroku's hand and pulled him to his feet and they ran.  They ran from the scene; from their fear and mainly from their guilt.  They sat down in clearing and Kagome started to make a fire.  Sango began cleaning her Hiraikotsu and Inuyasha went to catch some fish.  They were all trying to distract their minds from everything that had happened.

        Miroku's fingers twitched.  He needed to cut, but he couldn't do it here.  He would have to wait until night.  Miroku cringed.  He didn't know if he had the self control to wait that long this time.  He had to though.  He knew he was supposed to be stopping, but he was addicted.  He was like an addict and the knife was his fix.  He couldn't stop.

        The rest of the night passed by in a huge blur.  Miroku seriously doubted that he could remember anything about it.  Everyone had finally gone quiet and so he could begin.  He held the knife in his right hand and held out his left arm.  This time he cut much closer to his hand.  He smiled as euphoria filled his heart and mind.  He was blinded by it.  He was attached to that feeling and never wanted to let go. 

        Miroku leaned back against the tree.  He felt relieved.  It was as though he had just rid himself of a great burden.  He sat there for awhile; breathing and thinking to calm himself.  After a minute or so he made to go to sleep.   As he ran his hands along the gorund; checking for rocks and other things that could disrupt his sleep, he felt something.  Liquid was running down his arm and all over his hand.  He pulled back his sleeve to look at it and gasped.  It was blood.  He was still bleeding from his cut.  He wiped the blood off with his sleeve and looked at it.  The blood was still flowing freely.  He gathered some of his sleeve and pressed it to the wound.  He held it there for thirty seconds and then looked again; still nothing.

        Miroku then noticed he was feeling slightly light-headed.  It was from blood loss.  He gasped as the world spun slightly.  He didn't want to believe but he knew it was true.  He had gone too far this time; too far and too deep.       

        He needed Sango.  She was the only one who could help him now, or else he would die.

NOTE:  Yes, it is possible to bleed to death very quickly by cutting your wrists too deep.  You can die like within minutes if you cut the artery really deep.  But most of you probably already knew that, right?

That's all for chapter three! 

Sorry for not updating for so long but it was the end of the year and I had tons of homework and tests.  But now its summer so I should be able to update frequently.

I want to thank everyone for reviewing!  You guys are awesome!

Review so I know that people are interested in this story and like it.  So please, please, please review!!


	4. Lost Within the Shadows

Authors note: Cutting is a serious issue; it is a sign of depression and depression is mental illness. If you know someone who is cutting themselves tell someone you trust right away.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of it Characters. All are property of their respective owners

Authors note: Cutting is a serious issue; it is a sign of depression and depression is mental illness. If you know someone who is cutting themselves tell someone you trust right away.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of it Characters. All are property of their respective owners

A Silent Knife

_Chapter Four_

_Lost Within the Shadows_

"Sango?" Someone was calling her name. "Sango please help!"

"What?" She mumbled, still half-asleep. A drop of liquid dropped onto her cheek and she wiped it off. It was sticky…it was blood. She bolted up right and she found herself face to face with Miroku. He was horribly pale and he was clutching his wrist. Her eyes moved down to his wrist and saw, to her horror, that blood was running down it thick streams. "What did you do?"

"I…uh…cut and…it w-was…t-to deep! B-but it…ah…was a…accident!" Miroku mumbled. He was stumbling over his words and his speech was slightly slurred; almost as if he was drunk.

"What should I do?!" Sango cried. She was afraid, confused and in shock. She didn't know what to do with him. They all had had worse injuries but never ones where one could bleed to death so fast.

"I need you…to…help…me." Miroku's eyes rolled back into his head and fell forward onto her shoulder, unconscious. It was almost if he were asleep but his breathing was quick and shallow.

"Damn!" Sango cried. She didn't know how to save him! She wasn't a healer and never had been. She had only had the simplest of medical of medical training; only the simple dressing of wounds and minor things. But she had watched the healers work with her friends and family who had been injured by youkai on the job. She knew, only by watching, that a way to stop heavy bleeding was a tourniquet.

She pulled Miroku off her shoulder and lay him face up on the ground. She reached up and tugged out her hair ribbon so her long hair blew gently in the wind. She wrapped it around his wrist just under the cut and pulled it as tightly as it could go and then tied the ends in a knot so it wouldn't fall off. She had to be careful, though. Sometimes a tourniquet could cut off all the blood to the limb and then the limb would have to be amputated.

Miroku had once told her that he could never try to cut his hand off. She had asked him why he couldn't just cut the Kazaana hand off. He had told her that if he did the kazaana would go crazy and begin consuming him. So Sango could not tie the tourniquet too tightly but because she couldn't more blood still came out of the wound. She had to try and stop the blood flow another way too; Sango grabbed the sleeve of her kimono and ripped off a piece and tied it over the wound as a makeshift bandage.

Now she had to get Miroku to a safe haven. She rushed over to Kagome and shook her awake. Kagome groaned and tried to bat Sango's hands away but Sango shook her harder until she awoke. "Hmm? Sango-Chan…it's the middle of the night! What is it?"

"Kagome-Chan! It's Houshi-Sama, he's hurt!" Sango cried. She attempted to keep the panic out of her voice but found that she couldn't. But she could not allow her self to panic. If she got herself into a frenzied state; it would only harm Miroku, not help him.

Kagome sat upright quickly. "What?!" She gasped in disbelief. Sango pointed to where Miroku lay unconscious. Kagome's eyes followed the path on the ground to where Miroku was. She stared at the Houshi for awhile than turned to Sango and spoke one word. "how?"

"He-," Sango began. No, she couldn't tell Kagome. She had made a promise to Miroku to tell no one. Even in the state he was in she would not betray his trust in her. "I don't know."

Kagome seemed to believe her. "We have to wake Inuyasha." Kagome walked over to where Inuyasha slept up against a tree. "Inuyasha!" she cried urgently. "Inuyasha, wake up!"

Inuyasha moaned as his peaceful sleep was interrupted. His eyes opened halfway to look in Kagome's direction. "What happen-," Inuyasha's eyes snapped open suddenly. He stood up and began looking around. "I smell blood. And it's very near here and it's familiar." He growled in a low voice.

"It's Houshi-Sama!" Sango stepped in. "He's hurt and bleeding!"

"Miroku…?" Inuyasha asked surprised. He looked around the camp and saw Miroku lying by Sango's feet. Sango felt her heart clench as she saw Inuyasha's eyes rest on Miroku's wrist. "How did it happen?" the Hanyou asked.

Sango opened her mouth to say she didn't know but Kagome answered first. "We don't know."

"Really…" Inuyasha murmured and Sango saw his eyes flit back to Miroku's wrist and narrow. Sango watched him with baited breath until he finally nodded and spoke. "We need to get him help! Put him on my back and I'll take him to the village!" Sango and Kagome obeyed and walked over to Miroku and lifted him up by his arms. They struggled with his weight for awhile but finally got him on Inuyasha's back. Inuyasha gripped Miroku's legs to hold him steady and then turned to Sango and Kagome. "Follow me on Kirara; I'll be at the doctor's house in the first village we come to." Then he took off.

"Kirara!" Sango called the small creature forward. Kirara mewed her response and was engulfed in burning heat and fire; transforming in to her larger form. Sango threw her leg over Kirara's back and pulled herself onto the cat's back. Kagome grabbed Shippou who was still snoring away on the ground and climbed onto Kirara behind Sango. Kirara took to the air; following behind Inuyasha who was only a small dot in the distance.

Sango could vaguely hear Kagome talking to Shippou behind her. Kagome may have spoken to her a few times but gave up when she never responded. Sango was lost completely in her thoughts and feelings. Miroku was dieing. That was the main thought in her head. He had cut a main artery too deep and now might not even live. Why did he do it? Why?

_He feels alone and scared._ She thought. _I've seen in it in his face when he spoke to her sometimes. I've seen it in the middle of the night when he slept. He doesn't trust anyone. That is why he is so hard to connect with. It is unfair he had to face it all alone. That's why I want to help him but was I fooling myself? Can he not be helped? _

_Do you really want to help him?_ A nasty little voice inside her head asked. _Or you just want him to trust you so you can be with him? So he will make you his superficial lover?_

_NO!_ Sango thought furiously. _It is true that I want him but I want to help him too, for him! Help him for himself! _

_Really?_ The voice asked. _Are you sure about that? Your body aches for him. You want to become one with him; one in body and soul. Is this just not the easiest way to get that in which you want?_

_It's true,_ Sango thought back dully. _I do want to be his lover but all he does is push me away. He touches me wrongly to signalize his dislike for my feelings to him. But I push him away too. I am dull and formal with him. Even if I help him nothing will change at all._

"Sango?" She felt someone put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see Kagome and suddenly remembered where she was. Kirara was now going through a village and people from the village where looking up at them and pointing.

"Yes, Kagome?"

"The Doctor's place is right up ahead. This is the only village we've come to so far so this must be where Inuyasha took Miroku. Are you going to tell Kirara to land?"

"Oh, right. Kirara, land up at this building!" Kirara growled her response and landed next to the building with a soft thud. Sango and Kagome hopped off Kirara so she could return to her original form. Sango noticed the villagers staring at them but ignored them. She ran into the building and up a staircase to the second floor where she assumed the sickrooms where. The second floor consisted of a long Hallway with six small rooms on each side where patients where held.

The door to the first room on the right was open which to Sango meant a new arrival. She looked in and saw Miroku lying on a cot with a doctor standing over him. Inuyasha was leaning against the wall watching the doctor work. "Miroku!" she cried out and ran over to his bedside. He was still horribly pale and sickly looking but her hair tie and bandage where gone from his arm. They had been replaced with crisp white professional bandages. Sango turned to the doctor. "Is he going to be okay?"

The doctor sighed and looked at her. "I'd like to tell you 'yes' missy, but that would be a lie. He's lost a lot of blood. The tourniquet and bandage saved him, without those he'd already be dead. But he's in a coma right now. He could either wake up or die."

"What can we do for him?" Sango asked as she felt her heart break into pieces. A soft cry from behind her told her that Kagome had heard the news too. She heard Inuyasha take a sharp intake of breath. Sango felt dull inside. She could not feel anything; she just felt completely numb.

"Talk to him. Tell him about things that happened in the past and things you want to do in the future. People in comas seem to beable to vaguely hear what's going on around them. People can wake up from these things. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen." The doctor gave her a small smile. "Now if you would excuse me I have other patients to attend to." He got up and walked out.

Sango reached out and took Miroku's hand. She whispered softly to him so no one else could hear. "Please _Miroku_ come back to us. We need you. I need you. Please don't give up."

Outside it began to rain. Droplets of water hit the ground and brought life to the plants and animals. The sky cried and sobbed it's rain drop tears onto the sympathetic earth. The sky cried because Sango could not.

* * *

He was falling; falling down into deep black darkness. There was nothing around him. Nothing ahead and nothing behind; just black. He was drifting now. He drifted as though he was floating on water except that he was floating down. Finally he landed on what could be considered ground. But still, it was dark all around him.

"Where am I" Miroku called to no one.

_Inside your heart,_ came a voice to his left. Miroku turned to find the source of the voice and gasped. He was standing there. It was he, Miroku as a small child. The child was dressed in the same clothes that he had worn when he was eight. The clothes he had worn wearing on the day his mother died, and he wore them on the day his father died.

"Who are you?!" Miroku asked of the child.

_I am you,_ the child responded.

"No!" Miroku cried. "You can't be me! Only I am me!"

_Hmm, perhaps I should rephrase myself_, the child said thoughtfully. _I_ _am you; another part of you. I am your inner self, the deepest part of your mind. I am I guess what some people would call a subconscious. _

_ "_If that is what you truly are then why do you appear in that form?" Miroku asked suspiciously of the child.

_Because this is how you want me to appear,_ the child said plainly. As odd as it seemed that made sense to Miroku. If this child was truly him, maybe he could help Miroku out of this place.

Miroku turned to the child. "Why am I here?"

_You are here because you are dying. Your existence is fading from this lifetime. You are leaving, _his inner-self explained with a sad note in his voice. Do you know why you are dying?

"I-," Miroku ran his finger across his arm. "I cut myself too deep…but why am I here still?! Shouldn't I be taken to Buddha and be reincarnated? Surely I have not yet reached nirvana!"

_You are with me because unlike many others you have a choice. You can choose whether to live or die. Many mortal's deaths are predetermined, but not yours._ There was intensity in the child's voice like none Miroku had ever heard before. _No one on this earth or in the heavens knows what will happen to you. This may be your death it might not be. The choice is yours. So, do you want to live?_

Miroku wrapped his arms around himself and sunk to his knees. "I-I don't know…"

* * *

Sorry for not updating for so long but I wasn't in the writing mood for a long time for some reason. Anyway this is the climax of the story. There will probably be only three or four more chapters after this.

I want to thank everyone for reviewing! You guys are great and you really inspire me to work on my stories because you like them so much.

So now please review so I know that people are interested in this story and like it. So please, please, please review!!


	5. Bring Me to Life

Authors note: Cutting is a serious issue; it is a sign of depression and depression is mental illness. If you know someone who is cutting themselves tell someone you trust right away.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of it Characters. All are property of their respective owners

Authors note: In her review Black Moon Goddess said that she didn't think a monk would cut himself. I think that that is a good point, but you have to remember that Inuyasha takes place in the 1400's. In those times a son would usually inherit his father's job. In other words Miroku is a monk because his father was; it's highly unlikely that he had any choice in the matter.

A Silent Knife

Chapter Five

Bring Me to Life

_He picked another flower and put it in his basket. His mother loved flowers. She would be very happy for his gift. Since Father left there had been so much to do that his mother was very busy. __Mushin__ was off on his Monk duties so he was no help. He and Mother had to do all the work. But Mama always made sure he had time to play. _

_He loved mother so much. She was always kind and happy, never cross. She was beautiful and could sing with such a voice that the birds envied her. She was the best Mother in the world without a question._

_He looked into his basket and decided that he had enough flowers to be a good gift. He had all kinds of flowers; daises, marigolds, lilacs, and lots and lots of wild flowers. Mother could then arrange them all over the house and make it look wonderful and bright. _

_He raised his head to the sky and saw that the sun was almost directly over his head. That meant it was almost lunch time. He had to get home soon or the food that mother made would get cold. He broke into a run towards the temple, but was not to spill the flowers. He ran quickly but slowly enough so that he wouldn't trip and ruin the flowers. He couldn't let anything ruin his gift for mother. _

_He came to the door of the temple and ran inside; kicking off his shoes. He could smell the Miso soup cooking in the kitchen. "Mother," He called. "I'm back!" _

_He walked into the kitchen where the delicious smell of the food increased and made his tummy rumble. He looked around; his mother wasn't there. "Mother?" He inquired to the empty room. There was no answer._

_He walked through the rest of the kitchen; maybe she hadn't heard him. No, she wasn't there, the miso soup was still boiling over the fire. Hmm, perhaps she was in the dining room waiting for him and she had kept the food on the stove to keep it warm. _

_He walked towards the dining room. Even before he entered he could smell something. It wasn't a pleasant smell; it made him want to gag. It smelled metallic and heavy. He was standing at the doorway to the dinning room. It was dark and all the windows were shut. He stepped forward and his foot hit liquid. Water? No, It wasn't water; it was blood. _

_He looked further in to the darkness of the room and saw his mother. But the woman there was not his mother. This woman was mangled with her ribs ripped open; her heart torn out. His breathing began to quicken and become shallow. This woman was not his mother! And yet she was. The woman lying there was his wonderful Mother._

_An object flashed. There were red eyes in the darkness. A screech; and the window burst open. The light illuminated his Mother and reflected the liquid around her. _

_Then something snapped. His hand was being ripped open. It was like a silent knife had cut a hole in it and was creating a void within. It was consuming every thing. He was screaming but his screams were veiled by the howl of the wind_.

* * *

_I remember that,_ the child said sadly.

"Argh!" Miroku fell to the ground clutching his head. He was in pain. The memory was causing him such pain. He didn't want to remember that! He had wanted to forget it forever. "Why did I have to remember that? That was the day my life ended."

_Or was it, perhaps, the day your life began?_ The child said cryptically.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Miroku snarled at the child, but then gripped his head in pain as another memory became reality.

* * *

It had been five days since Miroku had cut himself and Sango was beginning to lose hope. He had not awakened or moved or done anything. He was alive theoretically but he was with out emotion or feelings. And was a person without emotion really alive? No, they weren't. 

In the past five days she had done nothing but sit by his side. She missed him so much. She wanted him back; she wanted to hear his voice again. Sango wanted to feel his touch again, even if it was an inappropriate one.

_It is so sad,_ Sango thought as she brushed his bangs out of his face. _He is so alone and he can't talk to anyone. When I lost everything at least I had all of them. I could take comfort in their words and become close to them. But Miroku can't. Even though we are always around him; he is alone._

"Sango-Chan?" she turned to the voice. Kagome and Inuyasha were standing behind her. Kagome looked nervous like she always did these days. Inuyasha on the other hand was looking suspicious. Kagome looked at Miroku's still form than turned to Sango. "Has there been any change."

"No," Sango responded sadly. "He hasn't moved or anything." She wished Kagome and Inuyasha would leave. She wanted to be alone with Miroku.

"It's so terrible," Kagome went on. "I wonder how he could have gotten hurt this badly. Could it have been Naraku?"

Sango flinched. All the five days she had managed to avoid the topic of the origin of his injury. She had promised Miroku that she would not tell anyone about his 'habit' so she decided not to talk about it at all. But she couldn't avoid the topic forever; she would have to lie. "I don't know what happened. It must have been Naraku, what else could it have been?"

BANG! Sango and Kagome both jumped. Inuyasha had stopped his foot on the floor; his expression had changed from suspicious to angry.

"Inuyasha, what?" Kagome asked nervously.

"That is bullshit!" Inuyasha growled. He glared at Sango and Sango was reminded of when Naraku had tricked and made her believe he was evil. She felt an echo of the fear she felt when she fought him; the fear that he would kill her.

"What is bullshit?" Sango asked, trying to keep the fear out of her voice.

"That Naraku hurt Miroku!" Inuyasha snarled. "Miroku he…" Inuyasha paused as though he didn't want to speak the next words. "Miroku did that to himself!" Then he turned to Sango and narrowed his eyes. "And you knew it didn't you?"

"No," Sango whispered feeling fear rise up in her. Inuyasha knew! He knew Miroku's secret. She had betrayed Miroku. Inuyasha had figured her out and now Miroku would suffer for it. "NO!"

"Yes you did!" Inuyasha shouted at her. He opened his mouth to shout at her more but Kagome put a hand on his shoulder and he stopped.

"Sango-Chan and Inuyasha," Kagome said looking between them. "Please stop shouting. Miroku-Sama would not like it if you shouted over him. Please explain yourselves in a calm manner for all our sakes."

"He cuts himself all the time," Inuyasha explained sadly. "I knew it I could smell the blood but I didn't want to say anything because I knew he wanted it to be a secret. I knew Sango knew because she was always looking at his wrist and so I put two and two together and…" He trailed off.

"Its true," Sango said miserably. There was no point in lying now, she decided. It would now be best to tell the truth. "I found him doing it one night and I… wanted to help him so badly and he didn't want me to tell anyone." She felt tears begin to run down her face. She felt Kagome's arms pull her into a hug.

"Its alright Kagome said soothingly. "No one blames you now we can all try to help."

All of them looked to Miroku's comatose body. All them wanted to wake Miroku up again. All of them wanted to hear his voice and laughter but none more than Sango.

* * *

"_Why did you have to die…Father?" He stared at his father's gravesite in the middle of the massive that had been created in his death. The lonely cold grave stood alone with no grass or flowers around it. All that was there were his father's knife and some flowers he had put there. He was all alone now. His family was all gone. First Mama now Father. When would he die? He was only ten years old. _

_Why had was his father taken from him? Had his father been a bad man? He had always loved his father and his father had loved him. How could someone he loved be bad? _

_"Why?" he asked the grave. "Why do I…He broke off. "WHY DO I KEEP LOSING PEOPLE?!" He screamed. Some birds in the trees screeched and flew away but he didn't care. All he cared about was his father. And…_

_He looked down at his right hand. It was covered with rosaries to contain the horrible demon inside of his hand. His Father had called it the Kazaana. Father had had the demon in his hand too and it had killed him. His father had said that if he did not kill another demon called Naraku the Kazaana would kill him. _

_He was scared. He had been told that unless he killed someone he would be killed. _

_It was all so overwhelming. He felt as though he would be ripped apart by all the emotion in him. It was so painful, but there was no way to ease it. He could not find safety from in sleep, in food, in the stars or even other people. It was consuming him. Every second he lived it was consuming him. _

_He reached out and gripped his father's grave in hopes of steadying his self. He was shaking; his whole body was shaking with all the emotion within him. He couldn't go on like this. He couldn't live if kept having these pain attacks. It would just be too hard._

_Taking a deep breath he took his hand off the grave and turned away. He had to go back to the temple now; __Mushin__ would be expecting him to eat. __Mushin__ always made sure that he ate. He began to make his way up the steep slope of the crater; it was hard to climb up but he was used to it now. Then suddenly he slipped. He landed hard on his front and his arm hit a sharp rock. He hissed in pain as the rock sliced his arm open and blood seeped out. _

_He groaned and lifted up his arm to inspect it. The sight of blood made him sick so he put his hand over his mouth to prevent himself from throwing up. His arm was seeping blood onto the grass in little drips; like red rain. As he stared at his bleeding arm he rapidly began to feel...calm. The sight of the blood made him feel come and at ease. The blood was easing his inner pain. He wanted to do it again._

_The rock was dirty and jagged he decided. Then he remembered his father's knife. He slid down the crater's side and lifted the knife off of the grave's base. He raised the knife and made a small cut on his right arm. The cut of the knife was smoother and thinner, but more blood come out._

_He loved this; he could not give it up. He knew it was wrong and disgusting but he didn't care. It felt to good for hjim to care; it was a euphoria. He could ease the pain but the pain always came back. So he cut him self more and the pain was gone but it always came back._

_It was a vicious cycle of pain and relief._

* * *

"It's not fair!" Miroku looked at his cursed hand. "My life was over before it even began! And I didn't even get a choice!" 

_Are you sure your life was over?_ The child asked. _Think of all the people you have come to know and all the places you have been. If not for the Kazaana would you have met those people or seen those places?_

"I don't know…," Miroku turned away from the child. What the child said was true; he would not have met any of the people he cared for today if not for the Kazaana. "But still I am vile and disgusting! I cut myself and its wrong."

_It is wrong. So why you continue?_ The child agreed._ So why don't you stop?_

"Because I can't!" Miroku yelled. "I just can't! It's a habit I can't break! I just need to die and end it! I have nothing to live for anyway!" Then somewhere from deep inside his mind there was an echo. An echo of words spoken to him that he seemed to forget so long ago came to him.

**_"I am going to help you, Miroku"_**

"Sango," He breathed.

_Are you sure there is no reason for you to live?_ The child asked. _Is there not one thing you love enough to stay for? _

"I love…" What did he loved, was it love and was it enough? Could that be all he needed? Did he trust in it? Did He want to stop? The answer to all those questions was 'yes'. "I love Sango!"

_I know,_ the child said triumphantly.

"And I want to see her again," Miroku said more to himself than the child. He didn't want to die! What he really wanted was to see Sango again! He wanted to see Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippou and Mushin again too! He wanted to see all of them!

_Well than I guess this is goodbye_, the child smiled at him. _Perhaps we shall meet again._

"What?" Miroku called to the child, but the child seemed to not be able to hear him. there was a flash of white light that engulfed everything around him. He was blind and could not see. All sudden he could hear a voice that was calling to him.

"Miroku! Wake up Miroku!"

Everything was once again black. Miroku wondered if he had been sent back to the dark place with the child. Then it occurred to him that it was dark because he had his eyes closed. He opened them and blinked to get rid of the blur that was obscuring the room. Sango's face came into focus and it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"I'm back," He said smiling weakly.

She smiled back at him through the tears in her eyes. "Welcome back."

* * *

Phew! There is the conclusion to the climax. The next chapter will finish the story! I may write an alternate ending too, so we'll see.

I want to thank everyone for reviewing! You guys are great and you really inspire me to work on my stories because you like them so much.

So now please review so I know that people are interested in this story and like it. So please, please, please review!!


End file.
